What I want to remember, what I want to forget

March 9, 2013 in Love, Pepper
Tags: death, dogs, memories

I want to remember the love you gave all of us – unconditionally. I want to remember how you made us smile and laugh with your antics – throwing your blanket in the air, carrying your leash in your mouth, giving us your paw when we asked for it.  How you tapped on the front, glass storm door when you wanted to come in. How you knew certain words “cookie”, “ride in the car”, “hurry up” and, most of all, your name ”Pepper”.  I want to remember you as a puppy and as an old man.  I want to remember your bark and your mewing and your moods. Your soulful brown eyes. Your wagging tail.  How much you loved us and gave us with your presence.

I want to forget that I let you be in pain.  That sometimes I wasn’t patient or didn’t address your needs and I want to forget my guilt and regret for all the times I failed you.  I want to forget how stubborn and intractable I can be and how vulnerable and sweet you could be.  I want to forget that I could flash into anger.  And that I could push you past your limits or step past you.  I want to forget that sometimes I even left you alone when I shouldn’t have done so.  I want to forget that sometimes you wanted to hurt me, too.  I want to forget the bad ending and the pain.  I want to forget that we’re here for so short a time and that we mustn’t squander it.  I want to forget what happens when you don’t honor the love you get.