It’s The Money, Stupid!
Something has come over me lately. Today when I was about to hit the local farmer’s market for fresh flowers, I nixed the idea of spending money unnecessarily. I have a perennial bed overflowing with hydrangea blossoms so I came home and cut myself a bouquet. Me? Not spend money frivolously?
I can’t even remember what set me off on this path, but my reading took a decidedly interesting turn this week when I visited the library. Even going to the library for books rather than shopping on Amazon or at one of my favorite local booksellers is another step in a long overdue direction.
First I read The Bag Lady Papers by Alexandra Penney. She writes about her experience after losing a lot of money in the Bernie Madoff debacle. I couldn’t put the book down. Next I jumped into Geneen Roth’s Lost and Found – Unexpected Revelations About Food and Money. Right up my alley. Maybe these two bright, insightful women have had some influence on me already.
Earlier this summer, a friend from one of my writing groups gave me her copy of Slow Love Life by Dominique Browning. Yet another woman writing about her transition from high powered New York magazine editor to her next chapter – which by the way includes freelance writing for various publications plus writing an entertaining and informative blog by the same title as her fourth book. All of these ladies have landed quite capably on their feet, which is more than I can say for myself.
I scanned How to Survive without a Salary – Learning How to Live the Conserver Lifestyle by Charles Long but decided it was way too scary and drastic for me. I’ll be happy if I begin using coupons more regularly, whittle away my credit card debt and figure out how to jump start my writing career.
Next up on my reading table is Spent by Avis Cardella. These are “memoirs of a shopping addict.” While I don’t think of myself as one, I definitely have some acquisition issues that need examining – if I’m being totally honest with myself. And then there are my clutter issues. Several of my friends believe I am a hoarder. I realize I have some introspection to do around that as well.
How do these books relate to me and others?
What struck me most about Penney’s book was that while she had a lifelong dread of becoming a bag lady, she also always worked hard to avoid that fate. Unfortunately she took the advice of a trusted friend and ended up in the Bernie Madoff boat, or as she refers to him “The MF “(for motherfucker). However, Penney has had several successful reinventions and will no doubt continue to earn money and lead a life most women would envy, filled with creativity, freedom and interesting adventures.
Then Geneen Roth, who also lost a lot of money with Madoff, approaches the entire matter from a different angle. I had been trying to get through her Women, Food and God book a few months ago. I have found Lost and Found a much more compelling book for me. I love her spiritual approach to these matters and her outlook about abundance versus scarcity. As she points out, so much of what we believe is in our heads (and may not be the reality or facts, at all) and then that dictates our behavior, our habits and ultimately, our comfort zone around money, finances and yes, food, too.
What I see for myself is that I probably should have had the bag lady fears all these years but haven’t. I’ve lived as though I would always be provided for, even if I wasn’t the one doing the providing. I worked intermittently, spent money, and didn’t pay attention to details around my finances that I should have – and I didn’t even get caught in Bernie Madoff’s scheme. I’m just one of thousands of divorced women who struggle with money. My attitude has always been – I swear and it’s embarrassing – “I want to live as though I’ve won the lottery.” I’ve actually said this out loud to people. And, believe me, I haven’t won any lotteries. Let’s call that problem number one.
Then there’s the whole perspective of being satisfied with what you have rather than always looking for the next thing (whether it’s food or money related, both apply here). As a matter of fact, today I’ve been feeling particularly restless because it is tax holiday weekend in Massachusetts. There are several items on my wish list but for once, I am not going to put myself further into debt, even though some of the items are needs rather than wants. Let’s call my conflicted acquisitive nature problem number two. And my cluttered house could probably be labeled problem number three, especially since I want to sell it within the next two years. But that’s another story.
When I want to really torture myself, I tune into Suze Orman. I heard her speak at the Massachusetts Women’s Conference in 2009 and practically ran out of the room in tears. I was overwhelmed by all of the financial mistakes and missteps I’ve taken in the last 13 years since my separation and divorce. But the reality is that my bad money habits are deep seeded. They go back to my childhood, my parents, my grandparents and how I was raised.
Now throw this volatile economy into the mix, my sketchy resume and work life – I won’t even call it a career – and then some medical issues in 2008 that compounded everything and what I have is one giant, ugly mess on my hands. And that’s the truth – the truth that I run from all the time.
Remember when Clinton was running for president and the Democrats (especially James Carville) said, “It’s the economy, stupid.” Well, right now for me – and probably a lot of other people – it’s the money, stupid!
I’ve had a disappointing summer in a lot of respects – no vacation because I don’t have the money and I can’t figure out how to make it happen. (Big lump in my throat as I type this.) On the other hand, I’ve been juggling various projects, some paid, some not, including getting my new website up and running. And as for my lottery lifestyle – that’s all in my head, of course. It means that I would like to operate from a place of abundance rather than scarcity, but I think I have it all wrong.
The bottom line is that I need to pay closer attention to the bottom line. I guess I have to thank Ms. Browning, Ms. Penney, Ms. Roth and Ms. Cardella – and even Suze – for showing me that I deserve to be on a better path.
Photo: Magnifying Glass by Jetkasettakorn
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1757
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